I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
