its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
