i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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