I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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