you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
