is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
