I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
