Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
