if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
