I just threw up on my dentist
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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