Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
