There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
