oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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