I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
