Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
