I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
