just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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