She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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