at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
