M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
