Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
