Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
