mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
