I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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