who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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