everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
