My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
