Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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