Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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