He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I just googled if crying burns calories
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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