I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
