Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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