I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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