You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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