fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
