I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
