Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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