Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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