when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
