if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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