my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
