Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
