Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
