WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
