i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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