i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
