dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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