if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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