I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
