i permit you to call me
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
